photo by Jeff Harbin, Life of Riley Photography

My New Year's Revolution

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This year, no matter what it takes – and this time I really mean it – I’m determined to start smoking! And not only that, but hopefully lay off exercising altogether and gain a few pounds in the process.

Okay, not really. It’s just that I’ve grown weary of professing the same old resolutions year after year. Seems almost hypnotic the way I insist on chanting my tired mantra: exercise more (way more), eat less (lots less), save money (save way more money). And why? Just so I can start the whole process over again in 12 months!

It’s all become so predictable and generic that I can’t help but long for something fresh, something new, something…revolutionary! Maybe a little reverse psychology is in order here. Since I tend to become an over-achiever in the opposite thing I set out to do, what if I try setting my aim for the less lofty goals with hidden hopes of achieving the esteemed "Mount Everest" ones by default?

With that in mind (not that I’m a smoker, but in keeping with this logic all the more reason to strive for it, right?), here’s the rest of my 2010 New Year’s Revolutions:

This year I vow to spend more time indoors, away from the fresh air and sunshine. I purpose in my heart to walk less, avoid stairways, and take the elevator whenever and wherever possible. Oh, and be careful to wear shoes without inserts.

Unlike previous years I’ll make it a habit to watch lots of television, staying up late into the night. And somewhere, sandwiched in between the myriad of reruns and infomercials, I’ll carve out time to read a few bad books.

This year I’ll keep eating for at least five minutes after I’m full. I’ll chew my food only once or twice after each bite, and always plan to go back for seconds and sometimes thirds.

This year I’ll drink very little water. Instead, I’ll make a point to keep lots of sugary soda pops stashed around the house. I’ll shop the inside lanes at the grocery store and look for plenty of processed foods to stock up on. And only buy white bread.

Each morning this year, as I’m awaking from my deep sleep, I’ll hit the snooze alarm a few extra times and plan to leave the house a little later. I’ll speed up on the highway and be a bit more aggressive and less forgiving in my driving.

This year I will insist on putting my work first at all costs. I’ll look for new blocks of quantity, not quality, time in my day-planner, and endeavor to spend less of each with family and friends while assuming they surely know how much I love them.

This year I’ll forego x-rays at my six-month (now to become my one-year) dental check up. And I’ll be careful to brush my teeth from side to side, never up and down.

This year I’ll shop more frequently and look for new and better ways to clutter up my house with things I don’t need, won’t need, and never have needed. I’ll retire an old, favorite hobby and vow to take up no new ones.

This year (once I finish writing) I’ll set fewer goals and draw comfort in knowing the goals I do set will be easy to achieve – goals I could reach in my sleep while hitting my snooze alarm.

This year I’ll laugh less. I’ll take no time to smell the roses or listen to good music. And I’ll never sing.

But then again…

Perhaps this year, and every year hereafter, I should leave off the notion of revolutions and resolutions altogether, and come to accept myself – like myself even – foibles and all, just the way I am. And maybe then I can be truly free to love and accept my neighbor, as myself. Now that would be a revolutionary idea!

Just perhaps.

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