Managing Holiday Step-Stress
If you think life is hectic during the holidays, try coordinating schedules, dinner plans, and Christmas gifts with the parents of three households—most of whom don’t care for each other very much. Stepfamily life can make everything more complicated. There are more people in the mix who influence each other’s plans and don’t share the same priorities. It can feel like trying to hit a moving target.
The holidays are supposed to be a time to slow down from the everyday hustle and bustle of life, spend some extra time with your children and extended family, enjoy some well-planned meals, do a little shopping, and see the latest Christmas movie. But for the average household, the holidays is an endless list of to-do’s: parties, travel to see extended family, decorating and putting up lights, attending school programs, and making purchases we can’t afford and won’t pay for until we get our tax refund next April. In addition, these normal stressors are even more challenging given the complexity of stepfamilies. That’s why managing holiday step-stress begins with proactive planning.
Plan, plan, plan. Be proactive in discussing upcoming holiday events. A lot of stress results when families fail to plan and then play catch-up with all that needs to be done. Get an early start anticipating and coordinating your schedule with other households and family members. Set a spending budget and stick to it.
Maintain simple rituals of connection throughout the holidays. A hectic schedule can make us forget the simple things. The small, simple behaviors that families repeat on a regular, even daily basis communicate love and keep us connected even when life’s typical schedule is disrupted. Hugs before leaving for school, a special note in a lunch box, and Friday night pizza and a family video are rituals that should be maintained if at all possible.
Be flexible and make sacrifices. You cannot make everyone happy all the time. Accepting this truth immediately takes away the pressure to give everyone what they want. Being flexible means modifying an old tradition to bring an “outsider” (i.e., stepfamily member) in and being willing, for example, to open presents a day before or after Christmas in order to ease between home transitions for children.
Parent 364. It’s easy to get so caught up in the uniqueness of the holidays that we obsess in making them “perfect.” Don’t forget that what really matters most to children is what happens the other 364 days a year.
Give Permission. Give kids your permission to enjoy the other household and all their family members while away from you during the holidays. When a mother says, “I’m thrilled that you will be spending time with your dad and step mom over Christmas; have lots of fun!” you are releasing them from guilt and worry over how you will fare during their departure.
Be aware of loyalty and loss. Realize that no matter how long it’s been since a divorce or marriage, children struggle with feelings of loss. Being with mom means not being with dad. Being with dad means cutting short time with a favorite aunt on mom’s side of the family. Or if a parent is deceased, family traditions don’t feel the same without that person’s presence. Be sensitive to children’s losses and realize that mixed reactions are common. For example, children may show excitement and sadness within just a short period of time. Don’t punish them for sadness. Listen, hug, and provide a little extra TLC to help them through.
Honor traditions. Maintaining old traditions can be more difficult given the shifting presence of family members. Keep the ones you can and look for ways to establish new traditions if new family members are present.
Do what you can and accept what you cannot change. Work on your co-parental relationship throughout the year so as to improve your chances of respectful negotiation during the holidays. But realize that ultimately you cannot control the other household and you may have to grin and bear it. When stuck in awkward or tough situations, appeal to difficult family members with, "For your son’s sake, let’s try to put our differences aside and resolve this matter." Hopefully this will be motivation enough. In the end, do what you can, accept what you cannot change, and go on.
Live and learn. One stepfather found himself disappointed year after year because his stepson had to be rushed off to his father's house in the middle of Christmas day. He was never able to fully enjoy the day with his wife and stepson because everyone was watching the clock. Eventually, he and his wife proposed a change to her ex. As it turned out, her ex-husband was also discouraged each Christmas and was open to changing the visitation agreement. They settled on an alternating arrangement that gave each home an undisturbed Christmas holiday while the other home had an undisturbed Thanksgiving holiday. The loss of togetherness experienced during a given holiday was moderated by the joy they received during the other.
Originally published in HomeLife magazine. Used with permission.
by Ron L. Deal
Ron is Founder and President of Successful Stepfamilies, author of The Smart Stepfamily, The Smart Stepfamily DVD, The Smart Stepmom (with Laura Petherbridge), and The Remarriage Checkup (with David H. Olson). Find hundreds of free articles and videos for your family at www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.comSowing a Seed and Sharing the Benefits: The Randall Master Gardeners
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