How Women Really Feel
The college graduate, the stay-at-home mom, the working woman, and the grandmother: Conventional roles with even more conventional stereotypes. We’re often quick to assume the grad is lost in a fantasy world while the grandmother spends her quiet days crocheting baby blankets. The stay-at-home mom selflessly puts her kids and hubby first, while the working mom selfishly puts herself first. The fact of the matter is, in all of these cases, the label doesn’t always fit the lady.
We spent one month asking the women of Amarillo about marriage, family, work and everything else in between. Turns out they had a little something to say.
Well, one thing is certain: We could all use a housekeeper.
When we originally brainstormed the idea to conduct a survey to find out what the women of Amarillo really believe about a myriad of topics, we began at the simplest and most obvious starting point: Are Amarillo women happy?
Overwhelmingly, according to our results, they are. More than 50 percent in each age group agreed that, minus few things, life is generally good. They also agreed, at well over 75 percent, that if they could employ one personal assistant, she would be responsible for all the housework, especially the laundry. No surprises there.
Beyond those two similarities, the questions we asked warranted varying answers depending on the age groups who answered. For example, right off the bat we asked readers if they could go back in time, how many of their decisions would be made differently, if any. Those in their 20s and 30s answered only a few, but as the age bracket increased, few led to many. More than 70 percent of those in their 60s agreed that they’d make many decisions differently, and while that may sound alarming at first, it doesn’t necessarily translate to marrying different people, deciding not to have children or pursuing an entirely alternate life.
“For me, I would’ve been kinder,” says Alice Hyde, 60, wife, mother, artist and avid tennis player. “It’s not that I was terribly mean when I was younger, but it takes maturity to see how your decisions can impact others. I’ve seen how hurt others have been by one person’s decisions. So, yes, I would’ve been more kind.”
Alice spent her childhood between Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Houston, and after meeting Douglass Hyde at the University of Texas in Austin, the two married, had three children and eventually settled in Amarillo in 1983 so her husband could begin his practice as an orthopedic surgeon. With an undergraduate degree in Art, Alice pursued her master’s degree at West Texas A&M University while her children were young, taking two classes a semester while still managing the home. She graduated from WTAMU in 1995 and continues to dabble in artwork from home. Alice even has a few pieces of jewelry she created on display at the Panhandle Plains Historical Museum in Canyon. Over the years, Alice has volunteered her time to serve on nonprofit boards, and with three adult children out of the home, she finds contentment in this quieter season of life.
“I’ve had a happy life, but the most stress-filled time was early on when we were newly married and had small children. There are so many demands and needs to be met and so much of that stress is self-imposed. I don’t know where we get that from,” laughs Alice. “Now I’m catching up on my life and getting organized.”
Stress-filled, indeed. (Remember that call for a housekeeper?) More than 60 percent of all who answered believe women can work outside the home and still be considered “a good mother,” whatever that means to each individual. Yet, it remains perfectly acceptable, at least among Amarillo women, to forgo the workplace and stay home full time. In fact, more than 70 percent agreed that being a mother is one of the most enjoyable, if not the most fulfilling, role of their lives.
Yet, while this treasured role has its deep-seeded fulfillment, it is unequivocally and exhaustingly demanding. Regardless of where a mother spends her day, at home with her children or at work thinking about her children, the unending labor of motherhood remains. As 18th Century French novelist and realist Honoré de Balzac once said, “A mother who is really a mother is never free,” meaning that a mother’s thoughts, feelings and actions are never entirely her own.
Or as Alice puts it, “You tend to whoever screams the loudest.”
This is something to which Carla Sherman can relate. After seven years in the insurance industry, and unable to get pregnant, Carla, 34, opted for a career change that landed her at the scheduling desk for Amarillo Medical Specialists, a move that she believes was divine intervention. There she met a doctor who was able to properly identify and treat her infertility and two years ago, she and her high-school sweetheart husband, Deke, had Braxton, a shy blue-eyed healthy little boy. To everyone’s surprise, she conceived daughter Kinsley shortly after and now spends her days as a stay-at-home mother.
“I always wanted to be a mom but I’d accepted that I couldn’t so I wouldn’t be angry about it,” she says in her living room. Both Braxton and Kinsley bear Carla’s bright blue eyes. “I guess God wanted me to wait because that was the only reason I worked with all of those doctors.”
Lest anyone thinks a stay-at-home mother has it easy, dare make a simple remark about not working and see what reaction that gets you.
“Generally I don’t think people care whether a mother works or not but there are some who say, ‘I wish I didn’t have to work,’ and I just say, ‘What do you mean not work?’” says Carla. “My husband even said we could trade jobs for an afternoon just so he could see how hard it is. Yeah, well, we still haven’t had that afternoon.”
Carla and Deke make their living renovating old houses. The one in which they live and raise their family is no exception. Together they have a passion for making old things new, specifically the aged, neglected houses in the northeast parts of Amarillo. In fact, when asked if she could do anything without consequence, Carla answered: Rob a bank.
“I really would, and I know that sounds bad, but I would take all that money and put it into the run-down neighborhoods and houses around here. This is where I grew up and this is where my kids are going to grow up and I want them to love it,” she says. The Shermans have looked into acquiring grants to help restore houses on the north side of town to beautify the area.
It’s this mindset that Carla hopes will transfer in the belief systems of her children, that materialism is fleeting and you can take pride in the simple things you can achieve for yourself and others.
Common knowledge tells us that the business of raising children requires diligent juggling, and for the woman in the thick of it, it can sometimes be too much to bear. As Anna Quindlen, a Pultizer Prize-winning author, novelist and mother of three, describes, “The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood, still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torturous, involving and utterly tedious, all at the same time.”
In short, we’re busy.
It is no wonder that only a few, 25 out of 193 to be exact, said that they were their own number one priority. (18 who completed the survey said their job was their number one priority, while 63 put their faith and religious beliefs first.) These numbers make the larger point that the majority of women in Amarillo place their families on the forefront of everything. Women are not just the keepers of the kids and contributors to the family pot. We are all of the unseen jobs in between.
“Not to dismiss what the women’s movement did for us, because I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them, but Gloria Steinem wasn’t a working mother. She didn’t have the background to say what she did,” says Ellen Green, 52, dean of marketing and communication at Amarillo College and host of KACV’s Face to Face. She and her husband, David, have four children between them.
“To leave the details of motherhood and marriage out never should’ve been the message,” she continues. “All of that adds up to who you are and what you can do. The biggest mistake I made early on was working 60 hours a week while my son was little.”
But Gloria Steinem was onto something, at least in the early years (let’s give credit where credit is due), and the majority of Amarillo women conceded that as young girls, they imagined their future selves lodged somewhere between the ultra-feminist and the ultimate mom and wife, June Cleaver. Where each modern woman ended up is the result of a menagerie of varying influences – upbringing, cultural exposure, value systems and, simply, changed minds.
“Those early women thought they had to act like men to get here, but really, we have wonderful things to offer just as we are,” says Ellen. “I spent this last year in Leadership Texas surrounded by some really great women and I just thought – what if women really backed other women, to really say that it’s wonderful to be a stay-at-home mom or to be a college president? What could we accomplish together if we did that?”
Moral support is certainly something a lot of us could use, though when readers were asked how they manage a bad day, less than half replied that they’d turn to a spouse, significant other, or friend for comfort. More than 100 women gave the more distressing answer: Suck it up and deal with it, just like we’re are supposed to.
As we near the bottom line, deducting how we put the needs of our families first and manage the stress of it all by dismissing our own needs, it shouldn’t come as a shock when asked about exercise and diet. The majority of those who responded said they had no exercise routine at all and that their issues with food were stressful or even disordered. However, before we forget where we began, remember that the majority of women reported a happy life, regrets, exhaustion and lingering guilt notwithstanding. Perhaps it’s our level of faith (most reported their religious beliefs being either prominently important or the bedrock of their lives), or maybe it’s because we really do know how to balance it all.
In any case, when asked about their home lives, the majority in every age group answered that while life is busy they find occasional time for things they enjoy. For a woman to find contentment, a little something of her own, a hobby, a dependable friendship, a passion or even just a little rest for the weary is maybe the place to start.
“We’ve come so far as women but we still have that Cinderella complex,” says Ellen. “Girls see getting married and having kids as so romantic but it’s a great deal of work.”
Draw the conclusions you want, but consider this a cautionary tale for the younger ladies who have yet to commit to a marriage, to motherhood or even to a long-term career but are on the cusp of doing so.
Take our intern, for example. Raised in Wheeler, Texas, Andrea Jones is graduating this month from West Texas A&M University with an advertising degree. Her first job is on the horizon, and though she’s in a long-term committed relationship, Andrea isn’t in a hurry to get married and have kids. She began her internship with the magazine in January, and while she’s been responsible for menial (but helpful) tasks at times, we thought we’d give her the larger responsibility in the end of conducting her own mini-survey among her peers as part of this cover story. Not only did we want to know how college-age women feel about all of the same issues, we wanted to know what they expected out of life post-graduation.
How Women College Students Really Feel
College girls spend four tough years of classes, clubs and internships making sure they perfect every little detail, hoping it will all pay off upon graduation. They are presented with their diploma and then the phone starts ringing off the hook with employers who want the freshly educated merit scholar. Then they are awarded an amazing dream job along with a trendy condo in the city and Mr. Perfect comes walking up the sidewalk, right?
Is it true that expectations are too high, that college students don’t really know the reality until after graduation? Or is it possible that it’s just optimism that helps this generation deal with life?
I discovered high hopes when I surveyed college girls in the Texas Panhandle. The majority of those surveyed were single, upper classmen and studying a wide range of majors. I hoped to discover what this particular age group aspired for and expected during and after college.
As you’ve probably already heard, this generation of college students is referred to as millennials. According to William Strauss and Neil Howe, authors of “Millennials go to College,” these students are motivated, goal-oriented, confident and they want instant gratification. They’re optimistic and view college as a pathway for them to be successful and make a lot of money. They often miss the big picture of higher education and don’t focus on personal growth.
The young women I surveyed are indeed career-oriented, driven and optimistic in finding jobs, even though unemployment is at its highest in decades.
When given a choice of what is most important in their lives, 34 percent chose relationships compared to religion at 31 percent, then education, money and, lastly, free time. Although relationships were most important to them, 68 percent hoped to find that “dream job” post graduation. It seems we girls want it all: the perfect relationship, a great career and “me” time.
Brittany Sarrett, a senior advertising major at West Texas A&M University, hopes to pursue a job as a copywriter for an ad agency as soon as she graduates. It makes you wonder what happens if we don’t receive the jobs for which we hoped and planned.
“If I don’t get a job as a copywriter when I graduate, I will do anything to gain experience and get my foot in the door,” Brittany says. She believes that she has the same chances as her male counterparts and although finding a job will be tough, she isn’t worried.
“Of course I am discouraged by the recent job market and how few and far between jobs are. My only way of being optimistic is that I am a bright and eager young graduate with a lot of passion and drive for my future,” she says.
I always thought that if I went to school, I would be guaranteed this awesome job when I finished but I’ve recently realized there is so much more to it. I don’t think most students realize this until after they get their diploma.
“I think that when I started at WTAMU, I had a false sense of security when it came to finding a job. All my life people have told me, ‘if you have a degree, you’ll be guaranteed a job. Just go to college and you’ll be fine.’ That simply isn’t the case. I think that having a degree does help you stand out among other candidates but you have to show your employer so much more. The beginning of my junior year, I started to realize how much more I needed to do in order to show my dedication,” says Brittany.
One afternoon recently, as I was leaving my internship with Amarillo Magazine and driving downtown, I thought about graduation’s fast approach and had an epiphany: My education wasn’t the ticket to the perfect job I had dreamed of. It was a learning experience that helped me mature, think analytically and discover myself. We don’t always pursue jobs in the field we study and there’s nothing wrong with that. The advice I was given and once doubted really is true – find your passion and make money doing it rather than trying to find the money and making it your passion.
While we have countless choices available to us – and thank goodness for that – remember that there is time for everything and everything has its time. Decisions made in unwarranted frenzy just bring about more stress. As New Mexico writer and artist Natalie Goldberg says, “Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.”
It was important, on that note, to ask both Ellen and Alice what they could tell their former selves in a brief moment of time travel. If you could go back to the younger you, pull her aside and whisper a little wisdom in her ear, what would you say?
“I would tell the 21-year-old me, ‘Don’t worry so much about your future. Be confident and do what’s good for you. Don’t let people treat you badly and be willing to walk away,’” says Ellen. 
As for Alice, the very thought of being able to reach out to her former self brought tears to her eyes. After taking a moment to consider the opportunity, she said, “I would say, ‘Hang in there. You’re bombarded with so much and life is consumed with kids, but soon they’re gone. Be engaged in your life.’”
“You know, life is constantly changing,” she continues. “It’s easy to think you’re going to be in one stage your whole life, but you’re not.”
This brings us back to the beginning, where the stages of a woman’s life are often neatly, and unfairly, placed within the parameters of conventional roles – the self-important college kid and the self-sacrificing stay-at-home mom, the scrupulous working woman and the ever-tender crocheting grandmother. But the reality is that Andrea isn’t self-important at all. She’s clever, ambitious and one of the funniest 20-somethings we’ve ever met. And while Carla may not don a fitted dress and apron every day, she is wholly committed to raising her children while dreaming of bigger things for her city. Ellen’s career, albeit successful, does not supersede her softer side and devotion at home. As for Alice, she is well-traveled, well-educated and a match to be met on the tennis courts.
For each of these ladies there have been ups and downs, depending on the season, yet they continue to seek out their authentic selves, weaving in time for relationships and passions, just like the majority of women in Amarillo. Even though we’re over-worked, underappreciated and still holding out for that housekeeper, we’re generally a happy bunch. Because what really matters in this life is the comfort of family, friends and some sense of stability, be it financial, social or even mental. When those things fall into place, happiness happens. And as the saying goes, if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
And that we find to be quite true.
For the complete survey results, click here.
by Jennie Treadway-Miller
Jennie was a columnist for the Chattanooga Times Free Press for eight years prior to moving to Amarillo in 2008. She is an avid reader, runner and writer.Sowing a Seed and Sharing the Benefits: The Randall Master Gardeners
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